we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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