I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
