My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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