a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
