I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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