I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
