rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
