Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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