I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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