Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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