census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
