I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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