I love black thongs
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
