He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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