I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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