Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
