OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
