I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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