I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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