Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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