just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
