When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
