She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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