wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
