I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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