he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
