Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
