It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
