i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
