the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
