I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
