Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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