and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
