Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
