Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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