we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
