; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
