I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
