Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
These tits shall not be calmed
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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