I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize