I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
