i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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