Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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