I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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