I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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