i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
