I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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