Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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