So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize