Clothes are such an inconvenience.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
