Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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