To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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