Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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