I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Text me some of your sweat
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
