i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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