The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
