whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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