oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
50% drunk capacity currently
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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