I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
