I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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