Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
